


Pain over emptiness

by Malec_Lover23



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Anxiety, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Comforting Magnus Bane, Cuddling & Snuggling, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Good Sibling Isabelle Lightwood, Good Sibling Jace Wayland, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Lightwood Siblings Feels, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Stressed Alec Lightwood, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland, Supportive Magnus Bane, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:00:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26488333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malec_Lover23/pseuds/Malec_Lover23
Summary: Alec sometimes finds it hard to take a break to eat, especially when he's stressed. Thankfully, he has family and friends who love him and remind him it's perfectly acceptable to take care of himself. 5 times Alec's family/friends remind him to eat and 1 time Alec does it on his own.*This discusses unhealthy coping mechanisms in the form of neglecting to eat and a touch of urging to self harm. Stay safe <3 *
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Catarina Loss, Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Madzie, Alec Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis & Alec Lightwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 187





	Pain over emptiness

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr: Malec_Lover23 
> 
> I’ve been working on this for awhile now, I’ll be back to finish my 100 ways to say I love you soon :)

1\. 

Fighting back tears is a much harder thing to do when your Parabatai is lying on a bed unconscious with blood slowly staining a bandage on his shoulder. 

He can hear Izzy telling Alec it isn't his fault, he can feel Clary's hand on his shoulder, but he doesn't deserve the comfort. 

It's always his fault. 

He allows one tear to fall, but seeing as it makes Izzy coo sympathetically, he forces himself to stop. 

The hours pass, medics enter and exit, the sun begins its descent, painting the room golden until Clary shuts the curtains. The entire room seems to move. All except for Jace still motionless. 

Alec remains sitting on the chair beside the bed. All of the visitors that stop by Jace's room offer to stay by Jace's bedside while Alec rests, eats, showers. 

He just waves a dismissive hand and says he's not tired, not hungry, not dirty. 

A hand on his arm is what makes him tear his gaze off of Jace. He looks up and sees his mother, eyes concerned but loving as she kneels at his sons side. 

"I heard what happened. He's going to be okay, Alec. Why don't you come and rest with me?" Alec sighs as a hand cards through his hair. He leans into the touch, imagining he's a toddler again and he just woke up from a nightmare. 

However, the beeping that tracks Jace's heart rate brings him back to the present, where he leans to the other side of the chair so his mother's hand falls back to her side. "I have to watch him. Make sure he's going to be okay. I made him get hurt, so I should be the one to stay." Alec murmurs, his voice cracking several times. 

"I forget just how stubborn you are sometimes. I thought your sister was the one I had to worry about, but she went straight to her bedroom without trouble. Come on, sweetheart." Her voice is so rich with love and kindness, he bites back a sob. 

"Jace wouldn't want you to sit around and wait for him to wake up. I promise as soon as he's awake Clary or Simon will come and find you. Luke is taking care of Institute business until Jace gets better and you can get back." Alec wants to feel grateful that everyone is helping him out, but all he feels is guilt. He doesn't deserve the help. He doesn't deserve to eat dinner when his brother and best friend is unable to do anything because of an patrol that Alec ordered him to go on. 

At the mention of his Clary and Simon, he turns to see the two of them at the doorway, giving him encouraging smiles. He doesn't deserve their support either. They should be angry, furious that he's an awful leader. Alec turns back to face Jace, ignoring his mother's frown. 

"Alec, do you need me to call Magnus?" This gets him to perk up. He knows Magnus would be here in a second, but he's at an important warlock meeting that only happens once a year. 

The last thing Alec would want is to have Magnus come back because he's incapable of caring for himself. 

Alec shakes his head and reluctantly stands, his knees trembling as he leans on his mother for support. 

"I've got you, sweetheart. Let's go get something to eat, yeah?" 

"I'm really not that hungry, mom." Alec mumbles as they begin to walk to the dining hall. Clary reaches out and squeezes his arm while Simon kindly tells him he hopes he feels better. 

"Just because you don't feel hungry doesn't mean you're body isn't hungry. You've had a long day, your body needs nourishment." His mother says gently, guiding him toward the dining hall. 

"I haven't had a long day. I just... sit in my office...letting others go get hurt while I just fill out paperwork and sign reports."

"So this is what this is about? Guilt? Alec, you have the biggest heart in this entire Institute. And even though it can feel that way, you aren't doing your job to allow people to go and get hurt. Every person you send out into the field knows the risks involved. They were born for this job, just like you were born to be a leader. Jace knew the risks of the patrol, you did absolutely nothing wrong by making the order." 

The dining hall is empty as Alec sits down at a table. It's well past the time all the Shadowhunters normally eat dinner. They always keep the leftover food in the kitchen so Shadowhunters can come and get some if they're on patrol or get hungry through the night. 

"I'll go get you something. Any preferences?" Alec shakes his head. He's gotten used to fine dining, especially after marrying Magnus, but he's never found anything wrong with the food he's grown up with. 

He doesn't really think his stomach can handle much considering the day he's had, but his mother already knows that, as she brings out a plate of mashed potatoes and a small piece of meatloaf. 

"There's always more if you're more hungry, but I think this is a good start." 

"Yeah, it is, thank you mom." All the reasons to thank her are left unsaid. For realizing Alec doesn't care enough about himself to take care of himself. For acknowledging his insecurities and guilt and helping him sort through it. For being a supportive figure that stands beside him even when he's distressed. 

Alec is still numb, he's still hurting, he still feels guilty, but with his mother softly stroking his cheek while he manages to eat some dinner, Alec starts to feel a tiny bit better. And later, Jace opens his eyes and he and Alec share a embrace that leads to apologies on both of their parts, kind words, and even more hugs. 

As they're hugging, Alec glances over to see his mother smiling at the the two of them. He smiles back at his mother and mouths another thank you for carrying him through a time where he didn't have the drive or the motivation to carry himself. 

2\. 

"I'm right here, Magnus. I'm not going to leave you. So you just rest as long as you need to." Alec squeezes Magnus' cold hand. Magnus is far too gone in sleep to acknowledge Alec, but talking to him helps Alec stay grounded in the fact that his husband is going to wake up. 

It's been a long day of draining fear, starting early in the morning when Magnus portaled into the loft and immediately fell onto the floor shaking and pale. 

Alec was just finishing cooking breakfast, expecting Magnus home all in one piece and ready to eat before Alec had to leave. Alec remembers dropping the bowl of eggs as he was setting them on the table and rushing to his side. 

The worst part was being unable to get a response from Magnus. He shakily dialed Catarina's number as he pulled Magnus close and sobbed. 

After thoroughly examining her best friend, Catarina explained Magnus is going through a rough bout of magic depletion. He must have overdid it when he was visiting clients all night across the world. That, and paired with pulling several all nighters, Catarina said it was a miracle he was even able to get back to the loft safely. Catarina assured Alec by saying all he needs is days worth of sleep and then he'd be back to normal. 

They both got him into bed, and Catarina said she would come back later after her shift, bringing Madzie to help cheer Alec up. 

Twelve hours later, Alec hears them both in the background, but he's still focused on the beautiful man sleeping in front of him. 

"Uncle Alec?" Alec sadly smiles in response as Madzie takes his hand in her little one and squeezes gently. 

"Mama said Uncle Magnus is super tired, but he would be fine in a little bit." 

"Yeah, Uncle Magnus will be just fine. He just uses too much magic to help people, which is a good lesson for you to learn early." Madzie smiles and leans her head against Alec's chest. 

Alec swirls a finger around her braid as they watch Magnus' chest rise and fall peacefully. 

"Uncle Magnus wouldn't want you to sit here until he wakes up. He doesn't need you to sit next to him all the time." Madzie reaches out and pats Magnus' leg underneath golden sheets. 

"Madzie's right. If he wakes up and knows you didn't eat or sleep, then he'll gain all his strength back just to kick your ass." Catarina sits on the edge of the bed beside Alec. 

Alec snorts at her comment and Madzie climbs onto his lap. His arms go around her to make sure she doesn't fall. 

"What do you want to eat?" Catarina asks, "I'll get you whatever." 

Alec shakes his head, "Don't use magic for something so simple. You may need it for Magnus. I'll order us some pizza, okay?" Alec can hardly stomach the thought of eating pizza, but the look on Madzie's face makes it worth it. 

"Yay, pizza!" Madzie slides off his lap and rushes to the bedroom door, "I'll go get the phone, we can save Uncle Magnus some too!" Catarina grins at her daughter and rests a hand on Alec's shoulder. 

"I do believe you're being summoned by my daughter, and trust me she doesn't like it when you don't listen to her. I'll stay with Magnus. He's going to be fine, I promise." 

Alec sighs and stands up, running a hand through Magnus' flattened hair before turning toward her, "I know. Thank you, Catarina. It's just...a reminder that he's not expendable. He's actually quite delicate, and while I know that, others' either don't know or don't care." 

"He sure acts like he's expendable but yes, it's terrifying when our loved ones show their vulnerability by getting hurt. It just reminds us to love them even more. And you, my friend, give him the love that he deserves. Since you do that for him, I'll return the favor by making sure you take care of yourself until he can." 

Catarina reaches out and takes his hand, squeezing it in a grounding touch before letting go. 

"Thank you Catarina. I-I know I wouldn't be doing well if I were alone right now."

"So I've noticed, but it's expected considering the circumstances. Magic depletion is no joke, especially when my stupid self sacrificing best friend is the one doing this shit." Madzie skips back into the room, and Catarina shakes her head with a small smile. 

"So, back to what I was saying," Catarina slaps her hands against her thighs, raising an eyebrow at Madzie who's shyly gripping the phone. "What do you want to eat? I don't want you to eat something that will make you sick, Alec." Alec's been nauseous all day; just looking at Magnus lying so still will make his stomach turn repulsively.

Madzie curiously glances at the two of them as Alec replies, "Actually, pizza will be fine. We'll make sure to get supreme for Uncle Magnus and we can get cheese for me and you." Alec pokes Madzie in the stomach and she squeals before handing Alec his phone that was left somewhere in the living room. 

He orders the pizzas from a place down the street, adding some cookies to their order for dessert, knowing Catarina would never approve but also knowing both Madzie and Magnus have a sweet tooth the size of Asia. 

When the pizza arrives thirty minutes later, Madzie makes Magnus a plate and fills it up with cookies, that makes Alec want to cry and laugh all at the same time. 

Alec manages to eat a piece of pizza and even splits a cookie with Madzie after she gives him those doe- eyes nobody except for Catarina can resist. 

His stomach feels a tiny bit better when he crawls into bed a few hours later, wrapping his arms around Magnus and holding him close, lending him strength so he can open his eyes and make Alec whole again. 

3.

"Big brother, what are you doing in here so early? Normally you come in at eight or nine. It's six thirty in the morning!" Izzy glances at her watch. 

"Well aware of that." Alec replies pointedly, setting another report aside to deal with later. 

"How did Magnus feel about that?" Izzy puts a hand on her hip. 

"He was asleep. I didn't even wake him up, just left him with a text message. I've got to get this done sometime, Iz." He says, his voice gaining more tenderness now that he knows Izzy isn't here to chew him out but rather here out of genuine curiosity. 

"How was patrol?" Alec asks, changing the subject to something more productive. 

"Good. We took out the demons down in Staten Island and took care of a nest in Lower Manhattan on the way back." 

"No injuries or anything?" 

"Not at all. Everyone's doing well. And I would love to talk to you more about it over breakfast."

Alec glares at his sister, she was baiting him the whole time. Izzy is extremely good at getting whatever she wants from her brothers, and she knows it. Izzy is one of the few people who are aware of her brother's tendency to get work done first without interruptions, meals included in that long list of interruptions. 

Izzy flutters her eyelashes innocently and smiles, "Come on hermano, you know you're going to completely ignore every meal if we don't force you to leave this office every once in a while." 

Alec has to admit she has a point, though he would never say that to her face. He just grumbles as they make their way to the dining hall. Just a little breakfast, and then he'll be full enough to skip lunch without any distractions from his work. 

The dining hall is crowded and noisy as they enter, but it's to be expected. It's almost seven on a Monday morning and he's already sent an email with everyone's missions, patrol times, and supplementary assignments for the day. 

Izzy winds her arm around his as they get in line. Alec grins when he sees chocolate chip pancakes and bacon on everyone's tray as they pass by.

"See, big brother? You really were hungry, weren't you?" Alec ignores Izzy's comment and knowing gaze as he piles his plate with bacon. 

"No, I'm just preparing for when Jace comes and steals my food." 

Izzy laughs and it's full of mirth that's contagious. 

"Come on, let's go eat." Izzy grabs ahold of her tray with one hand and Alec's jacket with the other, tugging him to an empty table. 

Izzy goes over her patrol and the new Shadowhunter's evaluations over breakfast. Alec slowly makes his way through two pancakes drenched in syrup, and reaches for his last piece of bacon when a hand snags it away. 

"Jonathan Christopher!" Alec grabs a handful of Jace's bacon with a smirk and shoves it in his face before Jace can retaliate.

"Damn Parabatai you're awfully possessive this morning, huh?" Jace slumps down in the chair next to Alec, immediately diving into the pile of pancakes he's got on his plate. 

Clary sits next to Izzy and they shake their heads as Jace and Alec banter back and forth over the next few minutes. 

"You literally stole half of my bacon, you insufferable loon!" Jace hollers, rolling his eyes and stuffing a piece of bacon in his mouth. 

"Well you stole my last piece which was even worse!" Alec hurls back. "You started it, dumbass!" 

Their retaliations end up with playful shoves and Isabelle dumping another plate full of bacon onto both of their trays with a pleading, "By the Angel, please shut up about bacon." 

Alec grins at his siblings and Clary, feeling content with a full stomach and reluctant to even leave the dining hall after such an enjoyable breakfast. 

"Thanks Izzy, I'm really glad I didn't miss this today." Alec says to Isabelle when Jace and Clary are having their own conversation.

Isabelle beams at him proudly and leans over to kiss his cheek, "You're very welcome hermano." 

4.

Alec walks into the Down-world cabinet meeting, avoiding the concerned glances of every member. He sits down, downing the rest of his cold coffee before letting Izzy fill him in on what he missed. 

All hell broke loose as soon as Alec entered the Institute this morning. Demons nests popped up all over New York, from Bronx to Queens. Alec's been sending people out all day, and going from a stressful environment to a comfortable meeting has never been Alec's strong suit. 

His skin is still itching with adrenaline, and everyone could tell as soon as he walked into the room. 

Magnus reaches over and squeezes his hand, giving him a small smile. 

Alec smiles back and turns to Maia who is talking about some werewolf affairs that Alec should be wary about. 

He listens to all the Down-world leaders explain their concerns, ask their questions, and voice their comments, all the while diligently responding to them. 

The meeting goes quicker than expected, even though it seems like hours to Alec, who's knee bounces underneath the desk and thumb twists his wedding ring nervously. 

"Okay, if everyone else is good we'll meet here again next week. Same time, yeah?" Everyone nods their agreement and begins to stand up, headed toward the doorway. 

"Have you eaten today, my love?" Magnus asks kindly as they rest of them file out. 

"No, he has not." Izzy inputs, grabbing her notebook and phone. Alec glares at his sister but she just smirks and winks before catching up with Simon who's walking out the room. 

"Come on, time for a break. Let's go to your office, I'll get you whatever you'd like to eat." Magnus stands up and pulls Alec to his feet. 

"Magnus, I have a shit ton of work to do still. I haven't even started the work I had planned for the day because of all the demon nests popping up on the radar this morning. Speaking of that, did you figure out if it was a warlock's doing?" 

"No, I still have people looking into it, though." Magnus cups Alec's cheek and brushes his thumb along his cheekbones. "And after we have lunch, I'll go searching myself."

"Magnussssss!" Alec whines, caving as soon as he glances at Magnus' deadpan expression. 

"It's either gross Institute food with your annoying Parabatai or first class cuisine with your husband." Magnus grins and Alec's done for. 

"Okay, fine." Alec grumbles grumpily. 

"Excellent choice. Let's go to your office." Magnus wraps an arm around his waist and leads Alec to his office. 

They both sit on the couch, Magnus grabbing the throw from the back of it and wrapping it around Alec, who blushes and curls up against Magnus. 

The first step into getting Alec to relax is simple comfort, and thankfully his husband soaks that up like a dry sponge. 

Magnus keeps his voice gentle yet firm as he strokes Alec's hair, "It's alright, darling, you can let go for now. Everyone's safe and doing their job. You can't run this Institute efficiently unless you're doing your job, which is taking care of yourself first." 

"'Mkay." Alec mumbles, his face tucked in the crook of Magnus' neck. 

"Alright, now that that's taken care of what would you like to eat?" Magnus scratches Alec's scalp and he practically purrs, melting against him. 

"Can we have Thai food? I just want noodles."

Magnus snorts and nods his head waving his hand, boxes of pad Thai appearing on the coffee table in front of them. 

Alec spends a few more minutes curled in Magnus' secure embrace before sitting up and grabbing a box of noodles. He eats happily, feeding Magnus a few bites as he makes his way through the entire carton. 

"More hungry than you thought, huh?" Magnus smiles once Alec's eaten nearly two containers of pad Thai. 

Alec shrugs, "I haven't really had the time to sit down today, let alone focus on eating. Thank you for reminding me. You know exactly what I need Magnus."

"I do pride myself on taking care of my husband." Magnus says, bringing his hand to the nape of Alec's neck and leaning in to kiss him softly. 

5.

A knock on his door is the first successful thing to get Alec's eyes off of the frankly stupendous amount of paperwork on his desk. It seems like every time he signs the bottom of a report another one appears in its place. 

Alec looks up to see Jace entering his office, with a sympathetic expression that makes Alec roll his eyes and lean back in his chair with a groan. 

"What is it? I think there's an equivalent of ten trees worth of paper sitting on my desk right now." 

"Let's go get burgers in the East Village. I've had the shittiest day and I know you've been locked in here all day long. Come on, bacon, cheese, burgers, greasy fries. I'm not accepting no as an answer!" Alec tilts his head in consideration, even though he's already made up his mind as soon as he heard the words. 

He's been delaying the inevitable: one of his siblings busting down his door to force him to eat. He's supposed to be eating dinner with Magnus, but he just considered texting and telling him he'll be late tonight. If he can finish the paperwork first and eat later, then the deep hunger pains in his stomach will get him to work quicker and ultimately get him out of here quicker. 

However, the thought of eating burgers is one Alec absolutely cannot resist. 

"Yeah, let's go." Jace looks relieved as Alec stand up and shuffles all his papers together. 

Alec pauses as he's slipping the last of his paperwork into a desk drawer for the morning. "Can I invite Magnus? He's expecting me for dinner and believe it or not, he likes burgers just as much as the two of us." 

Jace smiles and nods, "Of course, man, whatever makes you happy." 

"Don't you want to invite Clary?" Alec asks, shutting off his laptop.

"No, she's having dinner with Luke tonight. I'll just be a third wheel." Alec grins and slaps him on the back.

"Payback is a bitch, huh?" They start walking toward the front of the Institute as Alec sends a text to Magnus asking him to dinner. 

He replies almost immediately, agreeing and telling Alec he'll get them a seat since he'll portal there. 

Jace and Alec make their way to their favorite burger place. That place only holds good memories for Alec, as he always goes there with Jace after patrol or when they have a free evening. 

Then, Alec introduced this place to Magnus on a date one time, and he was smug the entire night knowing he was the one recommending a place and paying for dinner. Magnus fell in love with it, both because he secretly loves bacon cheeseburgers and because he adores seeing Alec so happy at a restaurant. 

And now, he gets to have dinner with two of his favorite people. 

They step into the restaurant, moving around the many waiters that come by with plates of huge burgers and greasy fries. 

"Hey, I see Magnus." Jace points to a booth in the back and grabs Alec's arm, tugging him over to Magnus. 

"Hey." Jace grumbles, slumping into the booth across from Magnus. 

"Good evening, Trace." Magnus replies, impassively. However, a corner of his mouth lifts up into a smile as he sips his chocolate milkshake which causes Jace to grin, reaching over to steal a fry from his basket. 

"Hey!" Magnus swats his hand away, "I only share my food with people who I love and respect. No more fries for you. If you want more, order some yourself." Magnus turns to Alec with a warm smile. "Now you, Alexander, may have the rest of them if you'd like." 

Alec flushes red at the comment, smirking at a furious Jace as he slides in next to Magnus, bumping against him. 

"Hi, Magnus. Did you have a good day?" Magnus presses a kiss to Alec's temple and squeezes his arm. 

"I did," Magnus affirms, "How about you?" 

Alec sighs, "It's been busy, but not in a good way. I've been busy with paperwork, I haven't had to chance to train or go on patrol." 

"He hasn't stepped out of his office since he got there this morning." Jace says with a scowl. 

Magnus just gives Alec's hand another squeeze. Magnus knows more than anyone about Alec's desire to control everything around him. And when he can't, sometimes he resorts to controlling himself, and not in the healthiest of ways. Skipping meals even though he's hungry has become an easy way for Alec to stay in control. 

After smelling the burgers, eating a few of Magnus' fries, and taking a sip of Magnus' milkshake, he realizes just how hungry he really is. 

A waitress comes to take their order and both Jace and Magnus are impressed when Alec orders a large bacon cheeseburger, a side of fries, and a cookies and cream milkshake. 

They take turns talking about their respective days once they get their food, Alec gets scolded by Jace and lightly chastised by Magnus for staying in his office the whole day. 

Alec just rolls his eyes and waves a dismissive hand. "Thank you guys for caring about me, but I'm fine. And I was starving, so that's good." Magnus hums his agreement and raises an eyebrow at the basket of fries Jace and Alec devoured in under a minute. 

"You Nephilim sure get cranky when hungry and tired." Magnus comments, glancing at Alec fondly. 

"Yeah but you handle me well." Alec says, leaning his head on Magnus' shoulder. 

"I do like handling you." Magnus murmurs into Alec's ear. Alec blushes and Jace fake gags, throwing a French fry at Alec. 

Alec glowers at Jace, before turning and snuggling closer to Magnus. 

To both of their surprise, Jace grabs the check and pays for their meals. 

"Wow, thank you Jace. Are you sure you don't want me to pay you back?" Jace waves a dismissive hand, and Alec nudges Magnus in the stomach. 

Magnus grumbles under his breath for a few seconds before turning to Jace, "Oh, thank you very much for dinner, Jace. You are like medicine, good in small doses."

"Whatever. Just get this one home, okay? You of all people know how cuddly he gets when full, and I certainly don't want to deal with him." Alec smiles and hides his face in Magnus' blazer. 

"Your brother is right, Alexander. Let's go home." 

They all stand up from the booth, Alec stumbling forward sleepily to embrace Jace. 

"Thank you for coming to dinner with us tonight." Jace murmurs into Alec's shoulder. 

"Thank you for insisting. I don't know where I'd be without you, Parabatai." Jace squeezes him tighter before letting him go, grinning at him and Magnus. 

"Glad I could help." Jace winks and then walks towards the exit, Alec and Magnus following shortly behind him. 

+1

"Magnus, I'm home and I've had the most tiring day..." He drifts off as he hears no sounds in the loft at all. Normally Magnus is cooking, puttering around in his apothecary, or even humming quietly if he's reading. 

And that's when he realizes Magnus isn't home. Alec could cry, he very well may. He fishes out his phone to see if he missed any messages from him, and sees one that must've been sent while he was walking home: 

Grabbed a few extra clients, no idea how long I'll be. Don't wait up! Love you <3 

Tears prickle the back of his eyes at the simple message. He had the day from hell and really wants to take a shower, preferably with Magnus before falling into silk sheets and sleeping for the next twelve hours. Even more than that, he wants to turn back around and spend the evening throwing punches at a bag, wants to shoot arrows into the sky until he's not so restless. He wants to leave the gnawing pain in his stomach, to keep him from slipping over the edge, give him something to ground himself with. 

After all, if Alec doesn't give himself a form of sensation, he'll lose all awareness and become numb. 

He'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. 

Alec glances down at his trembling hands, and clenches them into fists. He's longing to go back to the training room, he wants to ignore the hunger and the exhaustion. 

Alec takes a deep breath, inhaling the pervading scent of comfort, of home. He thinks about all who love him, who care for him. 

He thinks about Jace smiling kindly at him, he thinks about Izzy telling him she's proud of him, he thinks about Simon giving him a thumbs up, he thinks about his mother stroking his hair, he thinks of Magnus giving him a firm hug and a soft kiss. 

All of these people would encourage Alec to recognize what his body is telling him, and to act on that recognition, not ignore it and do something more harmful. 

Alec walks into the kitchen, pulling out a container of pasta from a few days ago from the fridge. He stares at the red lid for a few minutes before heating it up in the microwave. Alec taps his fingers against the counter as he watches the container spin in the microwave. 

Once the pasta is heated, he grabs a fork and a bottle of water, sitting it all down at the table. He takes a seat and slowly makes his way through the container of pasta. 

It isn't until he's finished with the pasta, washing the container with a rag in the sink that he realizes he took the first step in taking care of himself. To many, that's not too much of a feat. 

But to Alec, after all his setbacks, obstacles, and relapses, it's everything to him. 

Alec takes a shower and then topples face first into bed, warm, pliant, and smelling like Magnus. He no longer feels the urge to train until he's sweating and achy. 

His eyes flutter shut and Alec embraces the feeling of security as he falls asleep. He doesn't come to until he feels a familiar hand run through his hair. 

"Magnus!" Alec sleepily slurs, a smile creeping onto his face. 

"Hey, darling, I'm sorry to wake you." Magnus whispers softly, kissing Alec's temple before walking into the bathroom. 

Alec shuffles in bed, rolling over so he's facing Magnus' side. Only a few moments pass before Magnus slides into bed barefaced and wearing a pair of sweatpants, immediately pulling Alec into his arms. 

"Missed you this evening." Alec murmurs against Magnus' chest. 

"I missed you more. Did you have a good day?" In the darkness of the room, and the comforting presence of Magnus wrapped around him, he's able to truthfully reply, "No, I had a really hard day."

"I'm sorry to hear that, my love. Do you want to talk about it?" 

Alec tells him about all the small battles he lost over the course of the day, from spilling his coffee on his paperwork to arguing with Jace to his unproductive meeting with the Clave. Magnus holds Alec close the entire time, running a hand down Alec's back soothingly. 

"But Magnus, you'll be so proud of me. I came home and really didn't feel like eating, but then I knew I needed to eat regardless. I wanted to go and train instead, but I ate that leftover pasta from the other night. Then I showered and slept."

It's dark in their bedroom, but Alec can only imagine the delighted grin that spreads across Magnus' face. 

"You don't know how proud I am of you, Alexander. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to talk you down, but I'm so happy you were able to do that yourself. Even if you slipped up and missed dinner, or even if you went to the training room, I could never love you less. I'm always proud of you, but you're taking the first step toward a healthier future, and as long as you're trying, I could never be anything but proud of you." 

Alec burrows closer to Magnus and blinks back tears. 

"I thought about you, Jace, and Izzy being proud of me for choosing to take care of myself, especially when I didn't want to. And then I thought about myself, and I felt content and satisfied with the choice I made."

"You surely made my entire week, Alexander. I couldn't possibly explain just how happy I am right now." Magnus strokes Alec's hair, brushing his hair back away from his forehead. 

"I'm sleepy now." Alec yawns and sighs against Magnus. 

"Okay, darling, let's get some rest. I love you." 

"Love you more." Alec mumbles, soft snores immediately filling up both the room and Magnus' heart. 

Magnus knows there's absolutely no way that's true; however, he'll let it slide for tonight. 

Alec will just wake up with a novel written by Magnus describing just how much he loves Alec. It's the least his darling husband deserves. 

Magnus delicately kisses Alec's temple before falling asleep to the comforting sound of Alec's snores.


End file.
